


A Terrible Murder

by nevercanreadenough



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Dark Comedy, Finding a dead body, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Murder, Not Serious, Original Character(s), Whodunnit, i thought it was funny, seriously, terrible alibi's, they're the worst, witnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-17 22:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20628797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevercanreadenough/pseuds/nevercanreadenough
Summary: Harry and Draco accidentally stumble over a dead body. The aurors have some questions for them.





	A Terrible Murder

**Author's Note:**

> This is a funny that popped in my head while I was busy writing something else (well, still writing something else, damn plot bunnies). Ok, I thought it was funny ;) What else? Umm, Voldemort is dead with the Potter’s so nothing dangerous happens to Harry apart from third year, for obvious reasons. Harry and Draco became friends during the train ride. 
> 
> Bold is the auror, cursive is Draco, and normal is Harry. A side note: Harry and Draco where not together for their respective interviews but were asked the same questions. 
> 
> No beta, so any mistakes will stay there forever because I'm lazy like that.
> 
> Enjoy the fluff!

_Transcript of interview with Draco L. Malfoy (DLM) – suspect in murder inquiry of Peter Pettigrew._

Transcript of interview with Harry J. Potter (HJP)– suspect in murder inquiry of Peter Pettigrew.

Interviewing Aurors: R. Darrow (AD); W. Herring (AH).

Date: August 27th, 2000.

Time: (DLM) 10:30/(HJP) 12:30

**(AD) So, you came across the body at five-thirty yesterday evening.**

_(DLM) What? No, who told you that? It was seven because Harry's always late. The man has three different timepieces and still can't show up on time. Merlin forbid he uses his wand like a normal wizard._

(HJP) No, it was five and I remember this because Draco can't stop complaining about my tardiness so I make sure I'm always on time. The man gave me three different watches and I keep purposefully losing them but they somehow still end up in my pocket. I swear, it's like he's never heard of a wand before.

**(AH) And you met outside?**

_(DLM) Of course not. I'm not going to wait for Harry outside am I? I could be out there for hours. I went inside and ordered a drink while I waited._

(HJP) He's always waiting for me outside, the prat loves to give me a pointed look and a five minute lecture on how 'being on time means coming to anything early so you're never late'.

**(AD) So then you went to dinner.**

_(DLM) We had reservations. Of course we went to dinner._

(HJP) Never had a chance to eat. We had drinks, but someone bumped into Draco and spilt her drink all over him. He got so angry he cursed her before declaring that we were leaving. Dramatic sod.

**(AH) What happened then?**

_(DLM) We were getting up after our meal and some incompetent imbecile decided to bump into me and dump a whole bowl of soup over me. Harry got so angry he hexed him twice over before we were politely told to leave and never come back. Have you any idea how embarrassing it is to be kicked out of a Pureblood run establishment? It's highly unpleasant. Never mind the tantrum Harry threw. Bloody diva. I'm sure I'll hear about this from my father._

(HJP) Well, her boyfriend ran out and yelled at us for a bit before we even managed to leave. Management came over and told us to leave and never come back. Honestly it was a relief, I hated the place. Far too uptight for my liking. His father probably loves the place.

**(AH) Which is when you stumbled across the victim.**

_(DLM) Yes. It was the worst ending to an already terrible evening. I don't know why I put up with Harry, he gets me into the worst situations. Do you think I'd find a body on a date with anyone else? No, of course not. He just has to be special doesn't he?_

(HJP) No, we went to get some drinks at the bar across the street. We were both still hungry and I convinced him to calm down before we chose somewhere else to eat. Frankly I'm surprised he even listened to me since he's normally intent on ignoring everything I ever say to him. It's bloody frustrating.

**(AD) What happened then?**

_(DLM) What do you mean 'what happened then'? You lot were called of course! What the bloody hell are we supposed to do with a dead body? Parade it down the street? What were your names again?_

(HJP) I managed to convince Draco to try out this new restaurant just down the street called 'The Garden'. Supposed to have fantastic Indian. Suppose I'll never know now.

**(AH) So you found the body.**

_(DLM) What did I just say? And I technically didn't find it, Harry did. Man tripped over it like a drunk trying to find his legs. He's terribly uncoordinated. No idea how he became a Seeker, he's a bloody menace._

(HJP) That's when we found the body. Draco nearly tripped over it and screamed bloody murder. He wanted to walk away. Said it wasn't our business and someone else would no doubt find the body. Never seen him so pale, and that's saying something. Although, he may have been a little green at the time, now that I think about it.

**(AD) So you alerted the Aurors.**

_(DLM) Of course not, I had to make sure Harry kept down his dinner, didn't I? I didn't see who it was, but Harry's bumbling about created a bit of a crowd so I suppose it was one of them._

(HJP) No, can't say I know who did either. The street was pretty empty so I have to assume it was one of the people who worked at the pub.

**(AH) And what were you doing in the alley?**

_(DLM) Trying to break things off with Harry. I can't live like this anymore and I didn't need an audience to watch me do it. No doubt it would have gotten back to my father and I would never hear the end of it. Perfect Potter._

(HJP) Trying to prevent Draco from shagging me in public. The man wants what he wants, what can I say?

**(AD) Let's go back. What time did you leave work?**

_(DLM) Five-forty, and before you ask I arrived home at five-fifty and left for the restaurant at six-forty._

**(AD) It took you forty-five minutes to get ready for a date?**

_(DLM) This takes effort. Something you should consider doing._

(HJP) Four-thirty. I managed to get home for a quick change and I got to the restaurant at five. Didn't you ask me this already?

**(AH) You didn't need any more time to get ready?**

(HJP) Nah, didn't have anyone curse, hex, or generally jinx me today. It was a good day so I just threw on some clean clothes because otherwise Draco would complain.

**(AH) Back to the moment you found the body. Did the body seem familiar to you?**

_(DLM) Why on earth would she seem familiar to me? Beyond that, why would I get a closer look? I already had my hands full trying to keep Harry from breaking down into tears. Let me tell you, having a date throw up and cry on you all in one evening is not worth a second date._

(HJP) Didn't know the man. I tried to get a closer look to check if he was still alive, but Draco was hanging onto me like a limpet and refused to let me go. Couldn't really move since he's a dead weight. Doesn't look it, but the man weighs a ton. Last time I let Draco plan the date, that's for sure.

**(AD) How long have you been in a relationship?**

_(DLM) Far too long. If I had to hazard a guess, seven months, two weeks, five days, sixteen hours, twenty minutes, and forty-one seconds. Approximately._

(HJP) Dunno. Two months maybe?

**(AH) Was this your first time at that particular establishment?**

_(DLM) Have you any idea how long the waiting list is? It took me months just to get my name on the list! It's extremely exclusive._

(HJP) No, I've been a few times. Food's alright, I suppose.

**(AH) Any reason you went out tonight?**

_(DLM) We had reservations. Are you completely incompetent or is the first time you're across from someone that's actually important compared to you?_

(HJP) I think it was our three-month anniversary but I'm terrible with this sort of thing. Had a present with me just in case though. You won't believe how stroppy Draco can get if I forget. You'd think I murdered his mother. Sorry, bad joke. Plus, I really like his mother, so don't tell her I said that.

**(AD) I thought you said you'd only been in a relationship for two months?**

(HJP) Yes. So it would make sense to celebrate our third one. The man had reservations. Obviously it was important. Who did you say you were again?

**(AD) Does the name Peter Pettigrew mean anything to you?**

_(DLM) No, who is he? Wait. Wasn't he that bloke who got blasted years ago? What does he have to do with anything?_

(HJP) Odd question. Yes, he was one of my father's friends, I think. Isn't he dead? Bit of a weird question because I don't actually know any friends of my parents who are still alive. Which sounds a bit sad now that I'm saying it out loud.

**(AH) What is your relation to Sirius Black?**

_(DLM) Distant cousin I believe, but I'd have to consult the family tree to be sure. Why? What does he have to do with this? Is he a suspect? Wait, isn't he dead? What kind of questions are these? Should I contact my attorney? If Harry gets me arrested I'll divorce him!_

**(AD) Didn't you say you've only been dating seven months?**

_ (DLM) No, I said I've been in a relationship for approximately seven months. Like the incompetent Auror you are, you didn't ask what that entailed. I'm not an idiot; I married the man as soon as I could._

** (AD) You said earlier you were trying to break things off. A bit hard to do, considering you're married.**

_(DLM) They're called attorneys. And it was a figure of speech._

**(AD) Threatening divorce is a figure of speech?**

_ (DLM) No, telling Harry we're not having sex is a threat, telling him we're breaking things off is flirting._

**(AH) You're married to Harry Potter?**

_ (DLM) Isn't that what I just said? Are you two even listening to me? Why am I here if you aren't going to listen to me?_

**(AH) He married you?**

_ (DLM) I would be more worried about whether or not I'd still have a job after this interview is over if I was you._

(HJP) He's my godfather, I think. Never checked to make sure though. Nobody really tells me much about my parents other than the fact that I look like my father and have my mother's eyes. If Sirius Black hadn't escaped years ago, I'd have never known he existed. Isn't he dead too? Was he the victim? Because that would be weird, him already being dead and all. I think he's Draco's cousin too. Related to his mother or something vague enough to make sense. You would have to ask him though.

**(AH) Is there anything you can think of that seemed odd or off to you tonight?**

_(DLM) Besides the dead body? Are you sure you know what you're doing? Should I be speaking to someone with more experience? Perhaps the Head Auror?_

(HJP) Are you asking me if I routinely have Draco discover dead bodies by tripping over them? Because let me tell you, once was more than enough. I won't be enjoying the nightmares, thanks.

**(AD) Please answer the question.**

_(DLM) The host was acting odd. Pretended not to know my name when I came in. Seemed happy enough with Harry's though. The git. Is that all?_

** (AD) Yes, I think we have enough information for now. We may pull you in again for more questioning, so I would advise against any trips abroad. If anything occurs to you at a later date, come forward with the information. Thank you for your time, Mr. Malfoy.**

(HJP) Not that I can think of. The woman who threw wine all over Draco, maybe. I think she wanted something from him. Far too interested in him, in my opinion.

**(AH) One more question, if you will Mr. Potter.**

(HJP) Sure.

**(AH) You never mentioned you were married to Mr. Malfoy.**

(HJP) Not really a question, but ok. You never asked.

** (AD) We asked you how long you had been in a relationship. You stated about two months.**

(HJP) Well, technically three, if you count the anniversary dinner. Still not a 'are you married' question and it's not like you asked after my partner. I'm wearing a ring and everything. I hope this isn't an indication of how you usually go about solving cases because that's not at all comforting. 

**(AD) You stated three months. **

(HJP) That's how long we've been married.

**(AD) You must understand our confusion. We asked after your relationship and you never indicated marriage.**

(HJP) Does that mean I'm not in a relationship? I'm not sure I understand the distinction here.

** (AD) Marriage is a different kind of relationship. There's more of a commitment.**

(HJP) Maybe, but that's not what you asked me.

**(AH) You married him after five months.**

(HJP) You don't have to say it like that.

**(AH) We're just having a hard time understanding Mr. Potter.**

(HJP) Understanding what, exactly?

**(AH) Why you married him. **

(HJP) Is this really important to the investigation of the dead body Draco found?

**(AH) It might be.**

(HJP) Are you sure?

** (AD) No. I think we have enough information. If anything occurs to you at a later date, please don't feel hesitant in coming forward. Anything could help. We may also have some more questions for you at a later date, so please don't make any plans for the foreseeable future, like a holiday. Thank you for your time, Mr. Potter. **

_ ** End of interview. ** _

“What's the verdict? Are they suspects?” Head Auror Kingsley Shacklebolt asked, walking up to both detectives.

They both snorted. “They're a right pair, that's the verdict. I can't see Potter as a suspect, despite the obvious relation to the victim.” Darrow answered.

“Malfoy either. Wrong time, wrong place I suspect.” Herring added.

“And their stories?” Shacklebolt questioned.

“Useless, both of them. Malfoy showed up at six, had one drink before Potter showed up at six-ten. Potter accidentally bumped into a woman who tipped her glass over Malfoy's foot. A drop or two fell on his shoe and Malfoy had a polite conversation with her and told her it was no problem before they both sat down for dinner. A couple two tables over were having an argument and a fight broke out. The woman of the arguing couple accidentally hexed the waiter who dropped some soup on Malfoy's lap. They both hexed and cursed the couple in question before they were thanked for their quick reactions and if they came another night they would get a free meal as a thank you. They went to the bar across the street for a pint and a snack before leaving again.” Herring listed off, looking over his notes to make sure he got everything right.

“They then went into the alley for a quick snog, we have a witness, before Potter backed Malfoy into the wall and they accidentally fell over the body. They both screamed like banshees before the witness sent out a patronus and we were called to the scene. Honestly sir, they make the worst witnesses. They were far more interested in telling us pet peeves of their significant other. Outside of telling us things specifically about the other person, they remembered nothing and couldn't even agree on what happened tonight.” Darrow finished with an aggravated look.

“I floo called Malfoy's superior at the Ministry to double check his movements and he informed me that Malfoy left at five-thirty.” Herring stated.

“Potter's quidditch captain said he left a little past five-thirty but he couldn't be sure of the exact time because someone had thrown a bludger his way that he couldn't avoid. And before you ask, I interviewed several of his teammates and they all say the same thing. He left around five-thirty.” Darrow stated before Shacklebolt could ask.

“It's safe to say neither of them had the time or motive to kill Pettigrew, Sir.” Harring said with a sigh.

“And you're both sure of that? They had approximately half an hour between leaving their respective places of work and showing up at the restaurant.”

“We had a witness come forward early this morning stating she heard a scuffle in the alley at around five that evening. She thought she heard a man grunting but a cat came ambling out and she thought nothing more of it until the papers this morning.” Darrow stated as he grabbed the transcript of the interview in question and handed it to his superior.

“And you didn't think to inform me of this earlier?” Shacklebolt asked, clearly irate as he skimmed over the interview.

“We're waiting on confirmation of the time of death first, Sir. Personally, after both interviews, I don't think either one of them did it. They don't have a motive, they have an alibi, and they stand firm in their belief that he was already dead. They seemed really confused that Pettigrew was even brought up, let alone Black. Malfoy thought the victim was a woman, for Merlin's sake.” Darrow replied as he rolled his eyes.

Herring snorted. “Still don't understand what Harry Potter see's in him. He could do so much better.”

“I'd be inclined to believe that if Potter wasn't the only person with any direct relationship to the victim.” Shacklebolt stated, giving Herring a cold stare and ignoring his comment.

“Sir, by all accounts Potter didn't even know of Pettigrew until Black escaped from Azkaban during his third year. We interviewed several old school mates and they all verified that he seemed particularly unbothered by the escape. It turned out he didn't even know they existed. He also wasn't devastated by the news that Black had been murdered in his fifth year. He also didn't show any understanding as to why he was being brought up.”

Darrow snorted. “Hard to be bothered about the bloke dying when you've never met him before. We double-checked though, Sir. Everyone agrees he had no emotional connection to either man. As far as we can tell, he never met and he never sought Black out after his escape. There's no reason for him to want revenge for his death.”

Shacklebolt sighed heavily. “Alright, keep looking but don't rule them out. Pull them back in for an interview in a few days and see if their stories change or if they remember something new. They may not have killed Pettigrew but they could still be involved. I don't like the fact that it was Potter that found him either. Maybe someone wanted him to find the body. Let's try every angle and make sure to double-check everything. This is high profile and I want to make sure we come out of this mess without looking completely incompetent, even if that includes arresting The-Boy-Who-Lived. Pettigrew may have been a traitor and murderer, but we still need to find his killer whether we like it or not. And someone call the Minister down here so we can get Black posthumously exonerated. Fucking nightmare.”

Herring grunted and waited before he was out of sight. “This whole case is a bloody joke.” He stated darkly. “Who would want to kill a man who was already believed to be dead? And who's going to admit to the fact that they knew he was alive knowing they'd become our number one suspect? We’re going to get fired over this, I just know it.”

Darrow sighed deeply. “Nothing we can do about it now. Come on, let's go check if they found something useful in the alley. And for Merlin's sake, stop talking about Harry fucking Potter like you have a bloody chance!”

-~-

"So how did it go?" Harry asked as he stepped through the floo.

Draco smiled smugly at Harry. "They'll never know, love." He told his husband as he held up a time-turner.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
